They are not too young!

With all the uproar in Nigeria about #ChildNotBride in the last few days I have not stopped wondering about the plight of children in our world now. A lot of children have been parentified because adults are not taking the necessary responsibilities that come with having kids. So many people have children and just leave them to grow without guiding them through to adulthood. Do you know your kids? What impact are you making in their lives? You are not their landlord waiting to see them have their own houses too and then begin to take care of you. You are a parent.

In addition to producing or birthing the child, a parent is supposed to nurture and raise. I have decided to define the keywords which are nurture and raise.

According to www.thefreedictionary.com, to nurture is to nourish (feed), educate (train) and help grow or develop.

There are so many definitions of raise but I have picked two. To raise is to

(1) To move to a higher position (elevate)

(2) To increase in size, quantity, or worth

How many of us are actually doing this? It is not just enough to enroll our kids in school and then employ a nanny to be with them while we go about our own activities. We also need to get them prepared for the world.

Going through @deoluakinyemi’s #LureOfEasyMoney on twitter this morning makes me want to reiterate the fact that our kids are not too young to start learning about money. Experts say your child can understand lessons about money as soon as they can count. I absolutely agree with this because my younger son started learning about money from about 3 years. A toddler can understand that money is needed to buy things. They can understand that people earn money by working. They can be taught that sometimes they have to wait to get what they want; that’s delayed gratification. They can be taught to understand the difference between things we want and things we really need. These are tips that can help you lay a good foundation for your child with respect to money. Many of the ills in our society can be stopped if we teach the right values from as early as possible. I will appreciate it if you will join my campaign to teach every child the right values when it comes to money. I have a practical book that can help you and your children learn these. See https://gbonjubolasanni.wordpress.com/my-books/ for details on how you can pick a copy. Like my email signature says, “The building of the next generation starts with raising a strong child. We can make it happen one child at a time”. Let’s do it!

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What is in the grade?

This is about the time of the year when parents and children have to deal with school grades. We had the prize giving day in my children’s day yesterday and this made me think again about how emotions around this can affect a child significantly. As a child I was brilliant and intelligent; permit me to give kudos to myself but I believe I still am (wink). Even though I was an intelligent child, my parents still wanted more and always demanded more from me with regards to my grades. It was never the best. Those days I used to wonder what the grades were all about. The resultant result of that and my experiences to date made me decide never to put too much pressure on my kids about grades but to focus on their gifts and talents. Definitely they need to do well in school because the only reason why I took them there is for them to develop their astuteness in academics, but it is not the end.

Why do parents get very critical about bad grades? Parents want their children to enjoy learning and succeed academically. In addition to that, I feel sometimes parents feel that a child’s report card is a reflection of their parenting abilities. Children, on the other hand, just want to please their parents and do well. Parents tend to have a hard time managing their feelings of disappointment or even pleasure when they review their child’s report card. They can overly praise their child making them uncomfortable. They can also be critical when the report card is less than what they feel is good.

Most mental health professionals feel that parents should not become overly particular about children’s school work. Doing so makes children become anxious about school. They may become perfectionists or lack motivation to complete simple school tasks themselves. They can also feel that their parents do not care about them as people and are only proud of them if they get good grades. That is not a good feeling at all.

My opinion is that parents should be realistic about their children’s capabilities. Your child’s report card, to a large extent, is not your report  card or the teacher’s report card and neither is it the measure of your child’s worth or value. Children need your unconditional love most when they have struggles. Be in touch with your child’s teachers all year round to know how your child is faring. Don’t wait till when the school year is over. The relationship shouldn’t be only about report cards but about ensuring that a child lives up to his or her potential. It is a partnership relationship that you are in with your child’s teachers, therefore, let it be all year round.

Also ensure you teach your children that good values are also as important as good grades. Some schools grade children in areas such as personal and social growth, work and study habits, respect for others, class participation, self care, control and responsibility. These are areas where you should also reinforce good grades. Respecting the teacher and peers is just as important as any grade in the academic subjects. I know of a child who wasn’t happy he didn’t get the kind hearted and neatest award even though he got the first position in academic performance. He wanted those and not the one he got. Hilarious, isn’t it? It, however, meant a lot to him. Let your kids know that good behavior and virtues are very important to you too. Also demonstrate it in your day to day dealings.

Most importantly what we need to cultivate in our kids are their gifts and talents. It might have no direct correlation with the school work. School work will help a child’s thinking and improve exposure but might not necessarily make them reach their potentials. How do you discover a child who should become the greatest comedian or dancer tomorrow? He or she might seem too unserious now but is very gifted. Discover and cultivate your children’s gifts. Allow them to be rooted in them from now so they can be strong tomorrow and give them wings so they can soar high in destiny. Only then will they be able to stand before kings and not mere men.

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Your child can start a business

Children don’t need to wait until they are adults to get going on their dreams. From a tender age you might be able to see them demonstrate an entrepreneurial spirit. An entrepreneur is someone who starts and runs a business. An entrepreneur assumes the risk for the opportunity to turn a profit. They might show signs of innovation, self-reliance and hard work. There is good reason for you to allow your child develop a high level of interest in being an entrepreneur. Starting out to be in the left side of the quadrant is a great gift you can hand over to any child. Asides the fact that the opportunities are there and information and help are available, kids are also computer literate and can even work without leaving the confines of their home. They can also learn business skills and get started.

Nevertheless, before your child starts a business, he or she should ask himself or herself whether he or she has what it takes to make it in business. In order to guide your child, here are some questions you can ask to help confirm your child’s readiness to start a business:

Is your child a responsible person? 

No one (other than you) will be there to remind your child of what has to be done. Being in business means keeping promises to customers that he’ll do what he says he’ll do. For example, if he promises to assist at a party, he must be there, even if the weather is bad, if he doesn’t feel good or if there’s a TV program he needs to watch.

Does your child have the special skills that the business entails? 

If he wants to teach smaller kids, does he understand the subject well enough to be able to do that? If she plans to make jewelry, is she artistically inclined?

Is your child organized? 

Being in business requires a child to keep things straight. Your child must be able to know what to charge, how to collect money, how to buy materials and how to schedule jobs in such a way that will be convenient.

Does your child have the time needed for the business? 

In recent times, kids almost don’t have any spare time. As soon as school is over they already have activities such as piano lessons, swimming classes, etc lined up. These activities may not leave much time for other things, including running a business. Your child must have some idea of when he’ll conduct business. After school? On the weekends? Or during the holidays?

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Encourage kids to get a job

Giving children allowances is not the only way for your kids to earn money. You can also get your child exposed to working like adults do. Your child doesn’t need to finish school before he or she gets exposed to the world of working. Children may not actually understand what it means but in the real world everyone works to earn a pay; either as a self employed person or an employee. Money doesn’t just come to you because you need it. You need to work to make a living and then work towards financial freedom.

Younger kids might not be able to work in some places because of labour laws but that doesn’t mean your child needs to forget about earning money until he or she is older. They can start with something as simple as having a stand in a program you’re involved in to sell. Depending on the age, he or she might offer babysitting services, housekeeping services, learn a new skill such as fashion designing, hairdressing, shoemaking, makeup artistry, etc and make money from any of it. If you have a business of your own, you can allow your child work there so he or she can know how the business operates. If they will take over the business from you then it will also make sense they know how it runs now. Work means responsibility and working will make your child learn how to follow through on promises.

I have heard parents who feel they are well to do say that children don’t have to do menial things if one can afford to take care of them. Interestingly, it shouldn’t work that way. Children learn better by observation, imitation and repetition. A child will understand money making more if he or she is able to see how it works and also has the opportunity to do it over and over again. The ability to manage money and delay gratification will also be learnt from handling money. Children don’t need your money. All they need is roots and wings. Roots to be grounded in life and wings to soar high so they can achieve their destinies. That is your duty to them.

Giving children gifts

I can remember that I always got very memorable gifts as a kid. Usually the gift-giving occasions were birthdays and Christmas. I also got gifts when my parents set targets for me and I surpassed them. My dad, particularly, had a way around that. He makes you want to do more because he will always keep to his word to make it up to you. Asides those, other times were more or less normal. For me they were great memories as my parents didn’t waste time to show me how special I am at those times. I still have one of those gifts and although I am not using it because technology that overtaken it, I still appreciate and respect the act behind the gift. Giving gifts to children can provide foundation for great memories. I certainly have those fond memories intact even though some of them are over 2 decades ago. Love is best expressed when one gives something. I am sure we know that.

As good as this might sound, giving gifts to kids can become an opportunity to grab more and more things, thus creating a materialistic hunger in our children. This can become something very difficult to turn back from once it’s unleashed. Materialism is something we need to guide against as we train our kids. We should not indulge them. Educating our kids is the first step to helping them break free from any mindset you want to guide against. As parents it is our duty to prepare them for how the world really works. In the real world, you don’t always get what you want. One can only deal better with that as an adult if one experienced it as a child. Don’t leave this part of your children’s life to chances.

In order to effectively give gifts, you might have to consider the following points:

• Define what taking care of your children means. You don’t have to buy something tangible to create a bond. All a child needs sometimes is for you to spend some time with them. Be careful that you aren’t teaching them that emotions can be healed by a trip to the shopping mall. Don’t let material goods be the basis of your parent/child relationship. It might make them end up not having a chance to experience unconditional love.

• Don’t let guilt get in your way of parenting your child. Your job as a parent is to prepare your child to succeed in school and when they get out into the world. Don’t teach them they will get everything through manipulation, sulking, crying and guilt induction. The world does not work like that. Negative emotions usually dispel good things.

• Make sure your children aren’t defining their happiness and their status in the world as a function of what they wear, have or drive. Sit down with them and have a one-on-one conversation about what really defines their worth – their intelligence, their creativity, their caring, their giving, their work ethic, etc. If you spend quality time talking to them about what really matters you will be able to correct the countless images they see telling them otherwise.

• Your child does not have to love you every minute of every day. He or she will get over the disappointment of being told “no, but he won’t ever get over the effects of being spoiled.

• Help your child know the difference between essential and non-essential motivation. If your child always gets money, toys or privileges when he does the task well, he or she might not learn how to motivate themselves with internal rewards like pride. They also will never learn to value things because there are so many things and nothing is special.

Is it awkward?

As a child, I can not exactly remember my parents discussing money with me. I got to learn how to sell and make returns as I helped in my dad’s pharmacy store. I got whatever I needed whenever I needed it, of course when my parents could afford it but it wasn’t more than that. I remember discussions about God, manners and academic grades amongst others but I don’t think there were any open conversations about money.

It’s apparent things haven’t changed with parents nowadays too; they’re waiting to have these discussions with their kids when they are older. When you do this you tend to miss out on many opportunities during your child’s formative years. I know discussing money with your kids might be a bit difficult for a number of reasons, especially if you are concerned about your finances yourself. You, however, need to be able to do it as it will help your child learn about money and also become comfortable with finances before they’re expected to manage their own.

Some parents may be cautious about discussing family finances with kids because kids are not good at keeping secrets. I remember a day I planned with my first son to keep a secret from his younger brother. In less than 5 minutes, when his brother came around he told him “We have a secret we won’t share with you”. In my very eyes, in not more than 10 minutes, he led his brother to know what the secret was. You don’t need to provide detailed information about your income or net worth to your children, especially when they are much younger.

All kids need is enough information to help teach money management principles. You can also include them in meaningful family financial discussions, even at an early age. Help them to learn financial concepts like saving and budgeting, develop financial decision-making skills and form a healthy relationship with money through regular family discussions. You, however, should not give them the kind of detail that will stress them out about money. Don’t for any reason tell them a lie about money. They will sure find you out sooner than later and I’m sure you don’t want your kids to be disappointed that you told them a lie. Also don’t share too much financial information that may damage your child’s self esteem. Be open enough for their age and don’t allow them to stumble on or overhear what the real financial issues are in the family as that will cause more damage.

Albert Einstein says “If you can’t explain to a six year old, you don’t understand it yourself”. Improve your knowledge base in this area so you don’t fail your kids in these lessons. The more vast you are in financial knowledge the less awkward it will be for you to teach kids. The fact that you were not taught in school or by your own parents is no excuse.

Should allowances be in exchange for chores?

Allowances are a great tool that can help you teach your kids money management skills. A child that handles money tends to have a regular and hands-on opportunity to learn the basics of budgeting, saving, etc. Practice makes perfect they say. Giving an allowance in exchange for chores might be a bit challenging with respect to finding age-appropriate chores and ensuring that your child does them before you can ever get around to the money management lessons. If your child doesn’t get round to performing the chores like he or she should, there comes your number one obstacle in the way of teaching the relevant lessons. The other issue is that as a part of the family, each member should be responsible for something. For example, daddy and mummy ensure the bills are paid, mummy ensures the meals are fixed and daddy ensures that the car is in good shape. The kids should also be responsible for something. They shouldn’t be paid for their own contribution to the family. After all, daddy and mummy don’t get paid either.

On the other hand, it is a very important for a child to learn that there is a deep connection between the work they put in and the money they earn. If you don’t work, you don’t get money to spend in the real world. How then can we get our kids to understand that they need to work to make money? This is particularly relevant in this age as almost everyone wants to make a lot of money without doing much.

An idea is to fuse the two points above together. You can give your child a little weekly allowance that is not tied to anything. Then you can give them some opportunities for extra tasks that are really challenging for them, that will enable them earn a little more. That way they can connect hard work with earning money. This will be different from the regular things they have to do around the house at their age. Another point that is also very important is that you need to create time to teach your child about money as soon as you disburse it to them. Children are clean sheets and only become what they observe or learn from others in their surroundings. Don’t make the mistake of giving them allowances if you are not ready to follow it up with lessons and also do as you say yourself. Remember that kids will always do what you do and not what you say most of the time. Giving allowances without proper training will be of no value to them, rather it might destroy things further.

What’s your take on giving allowances in exchange for chores?  What have you tried and what works for you? Let’s hear you.

Don’t let it go unnoticed!

I am sure as adults we know that there is always a consequence for right or wrong. We may not know what the consequences are or have an idea of how it will come about but every action has an end result. As you teach your child(ren) about money management one of the things you shouldn’t take for granted is providing consequences, whether positive or negative, for their ability to manage money properly.

When you child works hard to make money, stick to a budget or save, provide lots of praise and positive support. Don’t ever let their hard work go unnoticed. Also ensure that there are negative consequences for mistakes as well. Sometimes it makes sense to allow kids to experience natural consequences. Don’t always cover their backs or provide a soft landing for them. Maturity is developed when we are able to struggle through the challenges we come across in life and that is what you are doing for them. If you give your child pocket money for the week and he or she decides to spend it all in one outing, don’t give him or her more money. Instead, the effect is that he won’t be able to have fun spending money the rest of the time. You can also take away privileges as a consequence. If your child keeps disobeying, lying or even steal then there should be a lot more serious consequence. You can discipline by depriving with what will hurt him or her to have a rethink about the bad behavior. Most especially, study your child to know the right thing to do but don’t let any behavior with respect to money or otherwise go unnoticed, whether good or bad.

“Mummy I need a bicycle! All my friends have one!”

 

My son has given me lines like that so many times in the last one week about different things he thinks he needs. Children are under great pressure to acquire all the toys and gadgets available and parents are also equally under great pressure to buy for them. One of the reasons why kids feel this way is because they are exposed to a lot of adverts in recent times. Even though they do not have the financial power to purchase any of these items they are bombarded with the adverts so they can persuade their parents to buy for them. Many times parents find it difficult to say “no” to their children. This is because some parents feel it might make them look incapable. Some do so because they feel they didn’t have the opportunity and don’t want to also deprive their own kids.  They, therefore, find it easier to give in and get them what they ask for than have to explain why the child won’t get what he or she wants. This is especially true of parents who don’t deny themselves anything too. Some parents believe their child should have a mobile phone or gadget because they don’t want their neighbor’s kid to have something their child does not have. The “I must keep up with the Joneses” attitude trickles down to the kids too. You need to train yourself and your kids to be void of greed. Buying everything you or your child want is not a good idea and as a parent it’s your job to help them understand why that’s so.

Affluence is good but we live in a world where it’s wrongly measured by the physical and a lot of emphasis has been placed on it. Kids who are raised in affluence often don’t recognize what they have. They take for granted three meals a day and snacks in between, a good house, two cars packed in, two or three TVs and VCRs in the house, their own CD players, telephones in their bedrooms and money in their pockets. The fact remains that it is difficult to fully appreciate what you have when you only know to compare your wealth with the wealth of those in your immediate circle. We need to teach our children that it’s a great privilege they have such affluence especially since many people live below the poverty line.

Smart approaches to shopping for kids

As adults we shop daily and very soon our kids will become shoppers too for the rest of their lives. Becoming an effective shopper can be learnt and your kids will appreciate it a lot if you do teach them. How well children use their money depends in part on what they’ve been taught. I believe the tips below will help you a great deal to achieve this.

• Let your child make a list of what he or she wants to buy. This helps to prevent impulse buying that can then lead to being short of cash for essentials. It also reduces the time spent in any store.  Remember the old phrase “Time is money”. This becomes truer as your child gets older and can use his or her precious time for better things than shopping all day.

• Having a shopping list is only the starting point. After a list has been done, your child needs to check for the right price by comparing to see which store offers the better deal. This is particularly possible now that a lot of stores sell online.

• Teach your child to learn about whatever they want to buy. There are always various brands of a particular product made by various manufacturers too. Encourage your child to ask questions. As a customer a child too is entitled to all the help he can get in store. Don’t let your child be intimidated into not asking for help with anything he or she wants to know about products in any store.

• Let your child save receipts. This is good for two reasons. If the item needs to be returned then the receipt will help to do that. Secondly, having the receipts all together will help to know how much he or she has spent over time.

• Another skill that is good for your child to learn is the ability to save money by buying items on sale or taking advantage of sales initiatives. For example, there are days that seeing a movie is half or even a third of the price. Children should learn what it means to take advantage of such. Also let your child learn how to hunt for bargains so they get the best at a minimum price.